Takeoffs and Landings

Airplane bathrooms are like points on Drew Carey's show "Whose Line is it Anyway?" They don't matter. Think about it: most people use airports only once or twice a year, and some people have several airports in their metro area, so they won't travel through the same one very often. Certainly not often enough to remember which airports have the shitty bathrooms (figuratively).

I have lived in two of these extended metro areas (SF and DC) and I ended up flying through Dulles about four times a year over the last two plus years. Add it up: that's a lot of times this psychogenic polydipseic has been sitting on the Dulles toilets and getting splashed by the premature flush that always accompanies my attempts. They're awful! The little infrared sensor that's supposed to keep things hygienic and hands-free is tripped to flush at the worst possible moment, which ends up being way more of a nasty bacteria spreader than a simple flush handle would be. Use your feet to flush, people! There are bathrooms now where everything is sensor driven, right down to the soap dispenser. Add a bidet and the bathroom experience would be 100% hands free.

Here is my guide to airport bathrooms. It's not all-encompassing in the least; I wish I were more of a jet-setter, but the reality of it is I'm a working girl who ends up in weird places for weird reasons.

Montgomery, AL: Award for "Most Original Seat Cover." This airport has a weird automatic seat cover mechanism, and I can't decide if it's cutting edge, or a throwback from the time when "the future was plastics." The seat is covered entirely by a tubular hairnet, and when you're done you press a button and the plastic you used goes away and a new plastic cover snakes on. It's unreal.

Dulles International, DC: Dubiously clean, and the toilets are hellbent on turning your peeing experience into a revival of Kevin Costner's "Waterworld." F

Chicago/Midway, IL: Wow. What an experience. The stalls are as big and private as a Nordstrom dressing room, and there was room for both of my huge bags, which I insist on carrying on, because I hate checking baggage. Usually I end up dragging my luggage into the handicapped stall because the loudspeaker lady admonishes me not to leave my bags unattended... and then I have to hurry and avoid direct eye contact with fellow bathroom patrons so as to avoid the hateful glares I recieve when I emerge, and I'm obviously not handicapped (except by my too-big carryons).