Today is a scrub-a-licious day! Normally I don't get to wear scrubs at work... but when my street clothes are reduced to a soppy, soggy mess by the elements (aka rain, the only element in Northern California), I pull on the good ol' dry scrubs. How did I get so wet? Well...

I couldn't find my umbrella this morning, and I was running late, so I just had to go without. Even though the walking part of my commute is only six blocks, in a downpour it's easy to get soaked in six blocks.

And what a downpour it was! I've never seen anything like it, honest to God. Naturally, the worst of it came right as the bus pulled up to my stop. The air was so dense with drops it looked like thick fog. It was so ridiculous I laughed aloud! A woman in a soaking sari turned around to see who had laughed, and she asked me, "Is this your stop?" I answered yes, and volunteered that I didn't have an umbrella either. And then, with a sage and wistful look that had seen many a monsoon season, she told me, "In this rain, an umbrella will not help."

Shirley Manson is psycho... I'm seldom happy when it rains. Very, very seldom. But I've always found that a sucky Wednesday paves the way for an awesome weekend, so I'll just suck it up and dry it off for today.

This blog originated as a place for my musings on Instant Messenger, and today I'm returning to those humble roots for a moment...

Sometimes AIM is the perfect communication medium. If you need to dash off a quick note, or send a link to a few friends, or want to idly chat with an acquaintance, it's perfect. You don't have the opportunity to be as eloquent as you might in an email, but it's faster and easier for a lazy girl like me.

However, lately I've noticed that AIM just doesn't cut it when you want to talk about anything of real consequence. Implications get lost, and while smilies help, it's hard to know whether the person you're talking to is happy, sad, irritated, enthralled, miffed. Furthermore, how do you know whether someone who doesn't respond to your IM is ignoring you, or busy talking to someone else, or is simply in another room? (Of course, back in the day we played games that took our entire screens, so that was something to consider as well.)

So I've been trying to talk on the phone more. I feel like it's a better means of communication... you can get a lot more in the way of a person's emotional state on the phone. Also, there's little to no chance of my IM Alli-imposter masquerading as me on my own cell phone. Heh. Of course, the holy grail of communication is face to face, but that's not always possible, is it?

When I was much younger, I had a game for Sega Genesis called "Scooby Doo's Mystery Machine" or something to that effect. Basically, you went around and collected clues to solve a mystery. I loved that game because everything happened for a reason. If there was an object in a room, you had to pick it up, use it, push or pull it, open or close it... nothing was superfluous and everything had a use. You all remember games like that, don't you?

Sometimes my life is like that, with things happening for a reason. And sure, big things, the biggest things even, happen for a reason... but today I'm talking about a little thing like grabbing something by chance that happens to be really useful later on. For example, a few days ago I got my grande-with-room-americano from Starbucks, and as I was heading out the door something told me to grab a napkin. I have no idea why; I never take napkins, nor do I ever use them. But this time, I took the napkins. Five minutes later, in my car, I somehow managed to spill on my center console. I guess you could argue that I was subconsciously careless because I knew I had a safety net in the napkins. I looked at it as serendipity.

Since then, I have collected a drinking straw, a small half and half container, and a trial size body lotion (Aveeno). I know they will come in handy sometime soon... It's like my own personal Sega game: "Alli's Mystery Machine." Except all of the objects I collect seem to fall into the categories of coffee and beauty accessories. Also, instead of storing the objects in my knapsack or whathaveyou, they just kind of wait patiently in the bottom of my purse for their moment of glory. What an awesome game.

I'm feeling uncreative now, but it's been a few days since I last posted... here's something I wrote a few months ago. I like it.

Tonight as I stood on my rooftop and looked at the city skyline... my God, it was so beautiful. I was moved. I get emotional (not weepy or teary or anything, just full of emotion) sometimes, when I'm struck by beauty. And I love the feeling, I allow it to fill me. I feel as if the moment is mine, since I'm the only one there to behold it. In kind of a Descartes way, the view tonight was just for my enjoyment... when I went inside, it could have ceased to exist and nobody would have been any the wiser. Less work for God to do that night. But while I was standing there, it had to exist, since I was seeing it. And it was all mine.

I realized that the most beautiful, emotional moments I've had in life are ones where I have been alone. Maybe if I were the only person on the planet, I'd never have the sudden rush of elation when listening to music, waiting for the #2 bus. Just knowing that I have a beautiful moment all to myself, and that there ARE other people, but they can't have this part of me, this moment... So I depend on other people as outsiders to my spiritual experiences. I need them to not understand me. Isn't it tragic? The part of me I consider most beautiful is also the part I don't share.

Well, I'm sharing it now. I hope someone out there understands what I mean.

Deja vu, part two: Guest Poster Ben Hunrichs

I think there's another explanation for deja vu. I find it hard to believe that the brain makes up a false memory on the
fly, or that it's backdating your real-time memories. (Remember, our brains aren't computers - they have no internal concept of date. You can have a minor memory from a month ago that feels less current than a more important, vivid memory from years ago.) Rather, I think it's a little mix-up in the storage process. Like somehow the storage of your memory is triggering the feeling you get when you recognize something from before. Like, assume that retrieval of a memory because a real-time cue causes some neurochemical event, felt as recognition. So if storage of a memory triggered that same event, you would feel as if you recognized what you are seeing for the first time.

There's another phenomenon, known as jamais vu, where you feel as if you're experiencing something for the first time, even though it's very familiar. I bet this could be explained in a similar way.

Ben

:: Note from Alli: Ben's explanation is much more elegant, and I like its ability to explain jamais vu (which I had never heard of before, but have definitely experienced before).

Let's talk about deja vu. It's not seeing a cat go by twice. It's a feeling that you have been in the exact same situation before, and you almost expect everything that is happening. It's kind of nightmarish and panic inducing, like sensory overload. You want to figure out why the situation seems so familiar, without ceasing to participate in the experience. For me, it's all over in about five seconds, and I'm left with only a vague recollection of the unpleasant feeling.

It happened to me yesterday, which got me thinking about all this. I was in a meeting with Jay, a woman in the Pathology department I've never met before. She was discussing the results of a QC inspection that was performed, for the first time, a few weeks ago. Nothing about the experience should have been familiar to me, but I felt as if I had been there, and been though it, all before. Hey... yesterday was Groundhog Day. Coincidence?

I've pondered the nature and origin of this feeling, and I have come to the conclusion that deja vu actually has little to nothing to do with having actually experienced an identical or even similar situation before. I postulate that the brain just makes up a memory of whatever you're experiencing as it's happening. So your brain thinks it's been through the same neural channels before, either because the part of the brain that retrieves memories is erroneously active during deja vu, or because your brain is actually creating a memory of the present, but dating it in the past, and then retrieving it while still in the midst of the experience.

I'd love to discuss deja vu or any other interesting brain blips with anyone. Time travel too.