It just hit me that today is my last day as a San Franciscan. I'm gonna miss the hell out of this place. I know I complain and bitch about it sometimes, but I feel like I've put a lot of myself into my time here. I'm leaving behind friends that, in all honesty, I won't see for a long time (if ever again). It's like ending a relationship... it has to happen, but at the same time, you're like, goddamnit, all that was for nothing.

I want to make a senior will for San Francisco. I'm leaving behind special places, so take care of them well.

To C. I leave the cable car. May you never have to pay with money, and instead flirt your way to 1400 Washington.
To M. and B. I leave the entire Sunset district. What the hell, it was never mine to begin with, except maybe Parnassus... you can have that whole cloudy foggy place, no problem.
To L. I leave Gorilla Sports. You're shameless in your pursuit of hot bodies, so you will fit in there perfectly.
To D. I leave my cramped, diseased, stale little hole. I mean bedroom. I can't ditch that thing fast enough. :O)
To A. I leave Berkeley, UC and surrounding. Try not to cause too much trouble there now... you're a senior citizen. S. can take over custody once he turns 21.
To the other A. I leave the SF hot spots. I'm too old and tired to be a socialite, so find yourself another G. and party like it's 1999. I also leave you all the trendy boutiques in Union Square... say hi to the shopgirls for me, would you?
To Z. I leave I-680. We've been up and down that entire goddamn thing more times than I can count. In terms of mileage, you have the best bestowment by far. Just try not to go 150 mph again, for my own peace of mind.
To R. and the MZ crew I leave my Starbucks. They will be going out of business without me, but try to be good patrons for the week or so they stay afloat before boarding the doors shut forever.
To M. I leave Hamilton Pool, and the middle lane with the slow dude. Good luck on Wildflower, bro.

Alli out.

Why not try some new songs? My most recent playlist:

1. In Our Darkest Hour/Phantom Planet
2. Stockholm Syndrome/Muse
3. Spitting Games/Snow Patrol
4. Honestly/Zwan
5. Stuck In America/Sugarcult
6. Somebody Told Me/The Killers
7. Home/Zero 7
8. The Nurse Who Loved Me/A Perfect Circle
9. Martyr Me/The Get Up Kids

I think it's interesting how all these alt Christian bands are making it big in the mainstream. Witness MXPX, Switchfoot, Further Seems Forever. Has Further Seems Forever made it big or do I just like them a lot? No matter. Check them out.

I've become quite a music junkie over the last year. I remember being 14 in Costa Rica and listening to everyone pontificate on how awesome our Sactown alternative station was, and this DJ and that song... and I was totally out of it. I didn't know who Alanis Morrisette was (although that's hardly the mark of coolness these days), but at the time it was embarrassing to be the only one who didn't know that "Ironic" wasn't ironic and that her last name didn't have s'mores in it. Maybe I'm making up for that now with my incessant iTunes downloading and mix-CD making. Anyway, music is so powerful to me. It helps me through a lot.

JOIE DE VIVRE

I'm in love with my life! I'm perfect. There's nothing about my life I would change!

Barf, right? For the record, I did not and do not say these things. My roommate did, though. Honestly. She's the kind of person who has probably read about fifteen self-help books, and has convinced herself that she is the most amazing creature on Earth and that men should fall at hear feet. I'm sure the insecure ones do, too.

So, this morning she's making herself tea to take back to bed on a little breakfast-in-bed tray she has. (Again, barf.) We talk about her tea, which is English Breakfast, and I kind of muse, "Wouldn't you rather be in London right now, than getting ready for work? Maybe staying in someone's flat, having tea and crumpets..." Only I don't finish the word crumpets because she interrupts.

"No!" she says, very serious. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere but where I am right here, right now. I love my life and my apartment! It's a beautiful day outside. I wouldn't want to change a thing!" I looked at her and blinked.

I felt like she was admonishing me for dreaming, or trying to coax me into "loving life." I find this especially insulting, because I am by nature an optimist. In fact, I've often thought (to myself) that life is pretty effing amazing. I wanted to tell her, look, it's one thing to wish you were someone else, and to hate your life. It's quite another to entertain daydreams and aspirations, because 1) they're fun and 2) it helps you reach for better and greater things. Instead, I politely laughed and left to get dressed.

She was too insecure to accept that there may have been better things out there than what she was doing that second... admitting that would make her feel like a failure or something. When she's taking a crap, does she think, "There's nowhere I'd rather be right now than taking this rose-scented crap!"

One criticism of Buddhism that I've heard is that to be a perfect Buddha, you don't need anyone in the world to exist at all-- all you need is your mind and a place to meditate. This notion deeply bothers Westerners. Christianity teaches us the virtues of altruism and kindness, and our happiness is directly correlated with our positive relationships with others. This disparity used to bother me, too, but I've been thinking a lot about the nature of love, happiness, and what's really going in in our heads. I have come to believe that happiness is a state of mind that can be created and controlled by the individual, without help from anyone else.

Why do we fall in love? Our traditional Western notion is that when you meet the perfect person, you'll fall in love, and be happy. It's all very nebulous. But what's really going on? You might say that everyone in your life is pushing buttons in your head. Some people really piss you off; they're pushing bad buttons. The neural pathways that are activated when you're around your annoying coworker are ones that make you, well, annoyed. You learn to avoid this person and to shorten any contact with them. Inversely, when you're around someone who pushes good buttons, your brain positively reinforces your interactions with them. Same goes for good friends and close family members. People we like make us happy, and people who make us happy we like.

But why? Well, take me for example. My parents make me feel capable, valuable, and smart. They love me unconditionally. I really grew to need them and rely on those feelings of adequacy for the first sixteen years of my life. I didn't realize it at first, but when I went away to college, the positive influence their support had on my brain was lacking, and I filled it in various other ways. The same thing can happen when a relationship ends. You find a way to give your brain the happiness it used to get from the other person pushing your buttons the right way. Most people just jump into another relationship. One thing I'd like to explore is finding a way to short circuit the loop: push those brain buttons without the other person.

Buddhism is all about this. In fact, it says that relationships with others are nice, but you should really work to free yourself from needing anything from this world-- possessions, people-- and concentrate on using your mind to set you free. I'm not 100% for this viewpoint, because it would mean nothing would get done. Everyone would walk out of their desk jobs, sit under a bodhi tree, and be happy and peaceful... until after a day or two when all the produce would rot and we'd starve to death. That's why Zen Buddhism probably incorporated that whole thing about getting enlightened while doing the dishes.

But think about it-- if you could find a way to feel the ecstasy of love without the object, wouldn't you? All we have is ourselves, and no relationship with another person is everlasting or static. People die or change all the time, and it usually gets us hurt.

One last thought. Modern Christianity has been reduced to getting married and loving your spouse and family, but Christ Himself was alone, and was sustained by His relationship with God. This is what Buddhists strive for-- a meaningful relationship with the divine. Of course, Christ also found meaning in His good works for others, but then, so do Buddhists. I think that love as defined by Christ would have more to do with the way things you do make you feel, and less with the way another person makes you feel. The former is what I think Buddhism is getting at; the latter is what Americans are looking for today. Both are effective ways of pushing those brain buttons, but you don't have the control in the second instance.

SIX DEGREES OF RANDY NEWMAN

Today, a patient came in with orders from Dr. Newman, an oncologist here in SF. One of our doctors, Dr. Miller, chatted a little with the patient about Dr. Newman, and the patient offered his glowing opinion of the same. Dr. Miller said, "You know, Dr. Newman comes from a famous family. His brother is Randy Newman." The patient went "Ohh!" in a way that could only mean he had no idea who Randy Newman was.

So... Alli to the rescue! I googled him while the patient and Dr. Miller were still conversing, and discovered that he is an Oscar-winning songwriter. I volunteered that my favorite song of his was Three Dog Night's "Mama Told Me Not to Come" (the truth... that song is me). The patient's lightbulb went on (Oh, THAT Randy Newman!) and the world was okay.

Then, ten minutes ago, I was googling a random disease, and a page on Ben Folds Five came up. Love love love them! So I followed the link and read the article, and who should Ben Folds claim as his idol as a child but Randy Newman himself. Caraazy. Reminds me of Aviva.